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fire_engine 
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 Topic: Frustration
Posted: 20 December 2009 at 1:13pm |
DS (17 months) is having real paddies when he doesn't get his own way or when he can't have something (like my lip gloss  ) and starts screaming like mad. At the moment, he's got very few words but I don't think having words would necessarily make a huge difference to his melt downs - the high pitched screams may just feature some extra words! I know a lot of it is developmental - they're very here and now and me me me but I do want to try and 'shape' his behaviour a bit and help him learn to deal with frustration over the next few months.
I'd be keen to hear what others have done and what's worked/not worked.
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FreeSpirit
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Posted: 20 December 2009 at 1:35pm |
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Oh I'll be watching this thread! Elizabeth is also at the "challenging" stage, if she wants to go outside and isn't allowed she'll scream and cry. If she's managed to get my lipgloss and I take it off her there's screaming and sobbing as she follows me while saying "TAAAAAA, ta ta ta ta ta TAAAAA".
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Bizzy
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Posted: 20 December 2009 at 2:12pm |
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distraction and trying to avoid the meltdown are the only things i can think of.
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FreeSpirit
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Posted: 20 December 2009 at 2:17pm |
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Distraction is an epic fail here. I've tried offering food or interesting objects only to have them thrown at me.
Edited to add - I have also tried the "LOOK there's an elephant!" technique.
Edited by Flutterby
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cuppatea
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Posted: 20 December 2009 at 3:43pm |
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Ignore it is the only thing I have to add to what Bizzy has said. I basically try avoidance, then distraction and if they are still being idiots I just ignore them.
By the way, good luck for the 2's if you think 17 months is bad LOL
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freckle
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Posted: 20 December 2009 at 4:02pm |
as hard as it can be to have to listen to a full on paddy I ignore it... I don't want her getting any attention for such behaviour... they very quickly learn it doesn't work 
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arohanui
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Posted: 20 December 2009 at 4:47pm |
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I do the whole "I know you really want to drum right now Harry, and I know you love it but it's too early and people are sleeping. I know it's frustrating, but mummy says no cos people are sleeping. You can drum later. Lets see what we can do instead. Come and look outside, can you see any birds?"
I find that when I acknowledge how he is feeling and put it into words, that seems to help.. show him that I understand that it's hard, cos it's not an easy stage for the littlies to go through - they're figuring out this confusing world and discovering that they can't always have it their way.
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Mama to DS1 (5 years), DS2 (3 years) and... 
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freckle
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Posted: 20 December 2009 at 5:38pm |
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I think I should clarify my previous response... I am talking about the type of tantrum when my girl is well aware she is not allowed something and is attempting to control the situation. If she is having a tanty cos she is upset, not comprehending or able to expresss herself appropriately then I would discuss it with her, helping provide her appropriate language to use as necessary, and most importantly keeping in mind her level of comprehension....
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mum to 3 lovely girls :D
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first
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Posted: 21 December 2009 at 12:10pm |
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You have described the trantrum where you look at your child and you think Argh you are such a toad and I would definately go with the "Daniel such and such is not going to happen. When you are finished screaming come and find me and we'll do something together approach" Then walk off and have a cup of tea or if you are feeling particually generious towards your child sit a little away from him and start playing with one of his toy but wait for him to come to you.
It is a difficult time and it is awful to think we still have the 2's to come. EEKK
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crafty1
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Posted: 21 December 2009 at 2:46pm |
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Gotta love this age huh? Breathe in, breathe out...
TBH i try the avoidance thing most of all - so try not to get into the situation where it's likely to happen. i.e. don't let him see something if i know he's gonna want it and i'm not gonna let him. That is the kindest path i reckon! In shops i let him have things and then give it to the checkout girl as he never has a paddy if a stranger takes it.
Otherwise i tend to walk away and leave him to express his frustration in peace for a few minutes then come back and distract him with doing something nice together.
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peanut butter
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Posted: 21 December 2009 at 3:20pm |
How about picking her up and putting her in her cot saying "Mummy said no and she means it. Now you let me know when you are ready to play again" and leave her to it. Diane Levy recommend this approach...in her cot she is also safe and so is your house/lipgloss etc 
I find that Tom gets totally beside himself at times like this and NOTHING will appease him but after he has screamed for a while he will respond to a cuddle and distraction
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ElfsMum
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Posted: 21 December 2009 at 5:56pm |
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Ethan gets over it fast but i acknowledge i do then to get him to try to express what he wants before i ignore him.. i prob should skip the first bit:) as always freckle you put it beautifully ..we have just started to get ones that are longer than a min or two and yeah they suck..will be awesome with a newborn and a tantruming two year old!
cot wouldnt work for us cause i dont like bed for that stuff but also cause he would scream and scream in there:(
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Mum to two amazing boys!
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Twinboys2b
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Posted: 21 December 2009 at 9:44pm |
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We're going through that stage too but I've found 'time out' finally works for 'no touch' when they're being cheeky on purpose & touching something. After 3 or so weeks of saying no touch and putting him in his cot after 2 warnings he now doesn't touch the T.V. or most things after saying 'no touch' so we've finally had some success with that.
When they meltdown for no reason or if I've had to take something off one of them and he has a hissy on the floor I just ignore him and go & play with the other one happily. The idea being that he could also enjoy playing with me & Eli/Jacob if he got over his tantrum.
I'm reading 'time out for tots & teens' (or something like that) by Diane Levy which is making sense to me so far (am about 1/2way through). She says you can start using it when you get 'that look' when they do something & know they're not meant to.
I do however think it's going to be a long road and no easy solutions to these tantrums.
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3yr old gorgeous ID twin boys.
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kakapo
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Posted: 21 December 2009 at 10:43pm |
 lizandtheboys wrote:
I do the whole "I know you really want to drum right now Harry, and I know you love it but it's too early and people are sleeping. I know it's frustrating, but mummy says no cos people are sleeping. You can drum later. Lets see what we can do instead. Come and look outside, can you see any birds?"
I find that when I acknowledge how he is feeling and put it into words, that seems to help.. show him that I understand that it's hard, cos it's not an easy stage for the littlies to go through - they're figuring out this confusing world and discovering that they can't always have it their way. |
I agree with and use this approach Liz ...it always amazes me how much more they understand than what you'd expect. But they definitely need help with managing their feelings, as this is the age when the 'emotional' centre of their brain is developing. The 'rational' part of the brain doesn't come fully online until around age 3 years.
Brainwave Trust Aotearoa deliver seminars all over NZ explaining how a child's brain develops between ages 0-3, with practical tips on how to deal with the different developmental stages. Most of the seminars are free/low cost and I highly recommend attending one if you have the opportunity .
Distraction has worked well for us from the time of DS's first full on tantrum (around 7 months  ) - and it has often involved us picking him up and physically moving him elsewhere in the room etc to start a new activity and get his mind off the other thing his attention was centred on. We haven't really used time-out yet.
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arohanui
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Posted: 22 December 2009 at 9:44am |
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Kakapo I totally agree at being amazed at how much they actually understand! We also usually physically pick Harry up and move him to a new activity. We use time out, but that's not for frustrations - more for things when he's actually doing something he knows he's not supposed to be doing..... like biting, hitting, not listening when we say not to touch something.
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Mama to DS1 (5 years), DS2 (3 years) and...
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Mum2ET
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Posted: 22 December 2009 at 11:56am |
When Ella gets really frustrated/annoyed she often just needs somewhere quiet to calm down. If I try and reason with her when she likes that, it doesn't get us anywhere. So often she gets put into her room (and now she has started taking herself to her room) and then when she has calmed down she gets cuddles and we talk about what happened.
Each toddler is different and different approaches work for them (Ella seems to have got my temper,so I know when I get upset I often like to be left alone until I have calmed down).
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cuppatea
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Posted: 22 December 2009 at 2:05pm |
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Yeah there is no way I could talk to Spencer about it, he is normally screaming in my face. I also put him in his room to calm down if need be and then I go and give him cuddles and talk to him when he has pulled himself together a bit and is actually able to listen.
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fire_engine
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Posted: 24 December 2009 at 9:34am |
Interesting to hear different people's experiences. We had a right paddy the other day but fortunately a cat came along just after he started
I'm finding there are different frustrations - that he can't get what he wants NOW (we're now draw him out by counting to 5 (at different speeds) then he gets it), there's the frustration of wanting something that he can't have (seriously, tanning moisturiser isn't that nice to eat) which is the talk/explain, try to distract then ignore if that doesn't work, then then there's the tantrum which is generally ignore.
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Shezamumof3
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Posted: 24 December 2009 at 12:36pm |
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I know exactly what you mean, Caden does the exact same thing when he doesn't get his own way, he has mega melt downs, throws himself on the ground and screams, makes little firsts and screams.
He packs huge tantys when I take my cell phone off him, or when we wont give him what we are eating, and when we come inside from being outside playing.
I just ignore him now, and if he is being really naughty he gets growled at! or I use distraction!
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clare00
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Posted: 24 December 2009 at 6:12pm |
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I also use the "I know you want ...... but you can't have it because.... That must make you feel very angry" etc. I generally wait it out and then offer a cuddle (or he asks for one), which my 2 year old usually accepts and it calms him down.
I think that, not only do we need to give them the words for what they are feeling, but also by distracting or ignoring them we are implying that their feelings aren't worth listening to, and they should be suppressed.
I think to myself "how would I feel if I was upset about something and complained to my husband and he said "go to your room, I don't want to hear it" ?" I would feel even more upset and would think that my feelings were completely unimportant. KWIM? I would hate for my child to feel this, no matter how ridiculous I think the reasons for his tantrums are.
There is nothing wrong with having a good cry!
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Frustration
